A letter to you: The Love of My Life, The Cheat

*This is an entry for the February Blog of the Month Competition*

I could hear everything. You thought I couldn't but I really could. It was strange; knowing that I would not be able to do anything about it. From your constant phone calls to you always being distracted and not listening to a word I had to say. I should have seen it coming but I think I was trying to be naïve, trying to believe that something like this could never happen to a person like me. You see, I've always been a control freak, always keeping an eye on everything happening around me and being irritated by anything that would not go my way. Who knew I would be taught a lesson the way I was. I, for sure, did not have a clue. I tried to turn a blind eye to it, I did. But it did happen, it happened in the worst of ways. You broke my heart into a million pieces, without even considering the fact that once I was the most important person in your life.

I remember when we got engaged. All through my teenage, I saw the girls around me get into relationships. I saw them do whatever they wished. But I sternly made a principle that I would stay single till I get married. I drove good guys away. I did everything to restrain myself from the fun all my friends were having. And finally, three years ago I got engaged to you. It was as an arranged settlement for me as it was for you. We used to talk for hours, discovering each other's likes, dislikes, habits and what not. I got to know you completely and found you just as the person I wanted to spend my entire life with. And so, consequently fell deeply, madly in love with you. I am sure you loved me too; I knew I couldn't have been mistaken. We got married after 2 months of the engagement. I found you charming as ever, thanking God that He had given me the reward I so awaited. 

It wasn't after a year of our marriage that you suddenly changed. You were there, but you weren't. I recall this was around the time I got pregnant with our first child. Such a happy moment it would have been, had it not been for her. I saw you being indifferent to my problems. I saw you ignore me as if I weren't there. I saw how you would leave the room late at nights and talk to her on your phone. I should have seen the signs and left with my integrity intact, but I'd learned that a coward leaves without fighting for what he wants. So, I decided to stay, thinking that one day you might come back to me, thinking that you might realize what you were doing was wrong. I prayed, I cried, I smiled. I did not know what I was doing. 

And in the second year of our marriage, on the 22nd of May, I gave birth to our child. He was perfect. I thought it might change things. Who knew all my efforts would go in vain? Nevertheless, they did. You finally left. You handed me the divorce papers without an explanation. You went off to marry her. I do not know what she had to offer you that I didn't. But I do know one thing, I will never in my whole life blame myself for this- although people around me have tried to make me feel that somehow it was my fault, that I couldn't keep you interested. 

Now, after seven months of the day you left me, our baby boy has grown up. He has your eyes, the same light brown color that I so loved. He reminds me of you. I have finally learned what being independent means. They say life will be difficult, that I would not be able to bring up my son alone. I beg to differ. I believe being away from you has shown me my strengths. Before all this happened, I believed that being married to a person who loved me dearly was all I ever wanted in life. I was so wrong. Being single, I've finally come to know how liberating it is. I don't have to depend on anyone. My happiness is mine to create. It does not depend on you. I do not have to think a million times before I say or do something that might make you angry. I don't have to bear with your mood swings. I no longer have to sleep with the thought in my mind that someday you'll leave and I will have to survive on my own. Because you did and here I am, after all this time, standing on my own two feet, with my head held high. I can say that I am capable, that I do not need a man to validate my existence, that I am fortunate to have realized this so early in life, that yes, I have mastered the art of being single. 

All I wish now is for girls all over the world to own themselves, to not settle for someone who does not love them just because they are afraid of being alone. And I have made a vow that I will bring up my son as a caring mindful person who will not even come close to doing to someone what you did to me. I have still not gotten over you but I know that one day, you won't matter to me. One day, I will be free.

Maryam Mansoor (Batch of 2023)