Friends We Were Never Meant To Keep (BOTM April)

Can't forget that bright sensation- as if sunlight with the smell of those flowers, as if springs beauty had covered it all; my soul, my mind in a complete harmony. Never tried to understand the reason behind it all, as I thought that it belongs to me, but now that I think and ponder, maybe the reason behind it all was your smiles, and those gestures of remembering all the little insignificant details that brought out giggles and laughs. Yes, you were the reason for those smooth bright days within me... Now that your sounds are getting fainter as if you are leaving, I feel an itch in my heart because I know the scenery is changing, and now that you all have left, it feels like the brightness is replaced with clouds and they are getting darker and gloomier. I am scared of it. Why is it changing when I don't want it to? Why can't I stop it? Didn’t it all belong to me? But then I understood, it might be because of being alone. Yes, that might be it. I have to find someone, some friends like the ones I had. I am not good at this but I will put my best in it. I think if I don't replace the previous ones I had, my insides will collapse. So, I moved in the search of light, and then I came across some unknown voices- laughing and smiling. I tried to join them, I tried to walk with them but they were faster than me. I can't keep up with the jokes, the moments, the puns and everything. But I will try my best, I will listen more carefully, I will laugh even when I don't want to, I will run even when I can't walk…but still no matter how much I try, I can't keep up with them. So, I decided to ask them where I was lacking, and they simply answered mockingly, "you are different" ... Now that I realized that all the jokes, all the puns they make are directed towards me, about how clumsy I am, how obsessive I am, how I am trying to remember the insignificant details when no one even cares to listen to what I have to say, and whatever I want to give, they just don't want it. It feels so harsh when I am giving it my all but still I’m left thinking that I am not enough. Some bonds are never meant to be. My inside is still filled up with those clouds, but now it’s bleeding red. The whole scenery is collapsing day by day. I just can't keep up, so I left them and returned back to myself... I still can hear the echo of them calling me "different" and "a bad apple", with satirical voices and laughter in the background. That might be the reason no one is willing to approach me anymore and I am living without any smiles and giggles around me. One may define it with the word "loneliness". But now the bleeding has stopped and I am left with only the thunderstorm. Whatever it is, at least it isn’t painful. Now if I have to remain this way then let it be, at least I won't hear those mockeries, at least I won't be judged for who  I am, at least it has made me resilient enough that I can feel the cold breeze (if it ever comes by) without bleeding and collapsing from my scars. Now that I am getting used to it all, I can see that dim light coming by and some faint voices coming through. I will make them smile so their inside will be brighter, they might never stay but still, I will make their hearts spring and bloom. I might be labeled different again, but still it’s better than making friends with those who were never meant to be mine, who threw bugs on me when I told them I was afraid of them, who took advantage of my kindness towards them and used me in name of the word “friendship”. Doesn't having nothing to lose make one’s heart feel lighter? Friendship is a bond that can't be replaced or built so easily, but who am I to say when I myself didn't realize it when I was supposed to, but still best of luck to all of you out there... 

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Anam Zahrah

FJMU'22