"Prayer" - An Abstract

I take a deep breath, trying to get some oxygen in; but it's of no use. I feel as if I'm drowning, as if every breath is filling my lungs with water instead of air.

I get up from my seat and pace about, thinking I could shake off the horrid feeling, but apparently it was here to stay.

After a few minutes of pacing I sit back down frustrated and even more exhausted.

My heart beats in my chest, each beat echoing throughout my body, the only rhythm that seems constant. Yet it seems to be heavy and burdensome. As if every pulse is a struggle, every beat causes pain that radiates to the pit of my stomach...

Breath in. Breathe out. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

You've got this...

I look around. Happy, smiling faces greet me. Happy faces that make life seem so easy. Some laughing, some giggling, but I can't even manage a mere smile. 

Everything seems too difficult, too draining.

I spot a familiar face, and wave at them desperately, trying to get their attention; maybe they can help me. 

The person sees me and waves back, while smiling; thinking I was just saying 'Hi'.

As they leave, I sigh dejectedly. 

Can't anyone see how much I'm struggling?

Now one of the happy faces approach me. They want to say 'Hi' and make small talk.

"So how's it going?" They ask.

And I want to desperately tell them how dreadful everything is, not caring if the question and concern is only superficial; I need to let this out.

But when I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out. Words just seemed to vanish. Feelings just seem to loose their name! I was feeling something, but what was it called? How do I describe it? How to describe that burning in my chest? The twisting of my stomach, and the wetness of my eyes? What was it called again? What do I say? 

Dejectedly, I give a superficial reply, just to get rid of the suppressed feeling of not being able to communicate. 

The person smiles once more and leaves me with a pat on the back. 

I sigh but my chest just seems to be getting heavier, I feel stabbing pain in my heart.

Someone, help me, please! 

Is this the pain of Angina Pectoris, or of Myocardial Infarction? Perhaps its Acute Respiratory Distress? We're all doctors here, somebody please treat me!!

Breath in. Breath out.

Breath in. Breath out.

You've got this, you can do it....

I look around again, trying to find another way to somehow release my burden, but I don't find anything.

Just seeing the happy people, just hearing the giggles of the children suffocate me even more.

My head starts spinning, my breathing getting even more labored than before. I feel like I'm choking, like my emotions have been incarnated in the form of hands that wrap around my neck. 

Can you see the marks on my neck? No? Because I can certainly feel them.

I can do it, I can do it, I can-can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!!!

I can't take it any longer, so I just start running. Running, without caring how this would effect my already oxygen lacking lungs, because I can't stand in that place any longer. 

Maybe when my physical pain matches my emotional pain, I will finally be able to rest.

I don't know when I stop, but the next thing I'm aware of is kneeling on the ground sobbing into my hands. 

After a few moments I look up to find myself in front of a Masjid, and as if on cue the Adhan starts. 

Acting upon instinct I go inside and perform wudhu, with my chest still tight, and with a new found numbness of giving up and despair. 

No one can help me now, nothing can make me feel better...

I stand in saf for Namaz.

"Allahu Akbar"

I say as I reach my hands to my shoulders, before placing them on my chest.

And surprisingly, it feels like finally, after such a long time, I can breathe again....

The burning in my chest slowly dissipates, my guts untwist, and I take a sharp breath, as if breathing after nearly drowning. Tears fall down my eyes, tears of happiness, tears of gratefulness!

I had been searching for a solution for all my agony and pain, while I had the answer with me all along: Namaz.

In Namaz we connect with Allah, in Namaz we talk to Him. What more can be soothing than bowing in front of our Creator?

I go into sajood and a fresh set of tears escape my eyes.

"Subhana rab-bi-yal a'ala"

Indeed Allah is the highest of them all...

~Prayer isn't for Allah, it's for you. He doesn't need us, but we need Him~

- Rukhsar Siddiqy (Class of 2021)