How far is too far..

 

After a long chit chat around the corners, I move back to my room. It’s evening already, so I gotta hurry. Gazing at the sky, it kind of looks like a very gloomy and bright night for sure, and that makes me stop for a second. A billion or trillion of memories hit my mind and start to flow around me, so I close my eyes and start to mesmerize. Yes! I can feel it all happening within me as if it were just yesterday, some familiar voices echo in the background, some irreplaceable smiles glamour through. They are all talking so eagerly. I am enjoying listening to them. It feels like they aren't too far away, instead they are just in front of me, so I start to move towards them, but then someone shrugs me…asks me why I am popping my eyes while looking at the moon. It was my imagination after all, for sky is the only thing that looks the same as then. The rest of the scenery is disrupted. It’s near but too far away for sure...

Those happenings, they did occur but I can't catch them no matter what. Past for sure ain't catchable but still it is so near to me even though I know it is so far away. It is still there every time I close my eyes. I can feel it, those people are so close as if they were always here with me, almost as if they never left…

That is life. Everyone we meet, people who aren't near anymore, still are there somehow, some of their pieces for ever left with us. You can't deny that. But then there are people who will look surprised at you for laughing and weeping while staring at empty chairs as they can't feel the pain and imagination that is penetrating through. Alas! They do not understand. But after all, no one is so insane to call out names of those that left so long ago that now it seems they never existed in their timeline. Does it actually matter that they are too far away now? Still, not that much...

"Why don't you just go and join them too?", the category of people who do nothing call this all useless, blaming me for not existing in present time, calling me blind from all the blessings I have, it all hits on some old scars so hard and sometimes it starts to bleed but I still can't stop laughing. I can feel the itching within me but how insane is it of me. They are so right, I should have existed near not too far for sure...

But you know what? I love all those smiles, so pretty were those smiles, I can't replace them nor do I want to. But having been able to see those smiles on some faces known or unknown, recognizable or unrecognizable, friends or strangers, near or far apart, looks worth protecting at moments. After all, no matter what they say about the consistency of my heart, it’s not that stony as they say so. So many times I did palpate it, it felt soft though the scarred area is a little tender, it did bleed on touching.

But no one believed this finding of mine and l don't feel too eager to prove it anymore as I am indeed too far away. Though I exist in front of them, but I am actually million, billion miles far apart…

In the end, does it actually matter that something is far and I feel it nearer or the other way around? Far or near doesn't matter as long as it makes you happier. That’s what I think. I am not sure if I am right or wrong at this point but I oftentimes hate these centimeters and centuries of being far, too far, too near. I ain’t good with it for sure, if I daresay…

Anam Zahrah

Batch'22